i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I think im going to throw up on grandma
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
