this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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