my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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