90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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