I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
