my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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