Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
