my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
