You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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