Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
