he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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