She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i permit you to call me
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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