I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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