he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
