Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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