Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
