I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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