i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
