i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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