I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
