from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What a dumb baby whore.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You had me at "let me see your balls"
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