If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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