It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize