Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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