My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
