Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I am available for nakedness
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
