So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She needs sedatives and a leash
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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