Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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