the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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