4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
