The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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