Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
