Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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