apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
