yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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