Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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