She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
