Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
