So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
