Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
