Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
