I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
