I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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