I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
