i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
where does the pee come out of this thing
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
