this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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