I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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