Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
