ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
