I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
