with your own penis?
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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