Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
