Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
