I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
