i permit you to call me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
