I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
