final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
