getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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