The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
