just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
this hospital has no fireball
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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