as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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