if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
