i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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