fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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