This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
