Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
