god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
