I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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